I started at Naropa last week, and just like they said it would be, things are beginning to stir in me.
Different things, all over the place, that I would not have expected.
I've decided I'm going to try writing here because I've always considered this my safe space. As I discovered in Helping Relationships, I need to be able to go uncensored, and I have always felt like I could do that here.
So, here goes.
The biggest struggle so far has been in Social & Cultural Foundations, where I've been asked to explore my "trigger" population. It seemed innocent enough until one population came to mind and sent my stomach twisting and turning. So, I'm triggered by masculine lesbians. This freaks me out. I seem to be less concerned with their existence and more concerned with the WHY to my feelings.
I don't think I've made a secret out of my falling somewhere in the middle of the Heterosexual-Homosexual spectrum, but exploring this more is tough. I've had moments of extreme attraction to women, and I know it's been scary for me. It just seems all fun and games when the girls are drunk and joking about our preference for girl-on-girl pornography or all of the times the boys "pressured" us into kissing each other.. But what happens when I actually liked kissing you and wished on some animal instinct kind of level that we could have kissed and touched more?
These are clearly very repressed thoughts and feelings, but what I want to know is if I'm the only one that has them? No, I know I'm not, but it feels like it.
It's just that when I see two women kissing, they seem so liberated. I don't want to stop watching.
And I just realized what my problem is. It's not that I'm scared of all that I've just written, it is that I'm intent on labeling what it is I'm feeling. Somewhere in my head, a voice asks, "Am I gay?" "Am I a lesbian?"
Maybe I need to make non-labeling a practice. Why does my somewhere-in-the-middle-of-the-spectrum have to be labeled? Can't I just appreciate both men and women and be attracted to both of the sexes because both are so undeniably beautiful?

---

It feels like such a weight is gone, just expressing these things. Someone tell me I'm not alone, or don't..and I guess I'll learn to be okay with that too.

---

So, if you're wondering how it could be possible I have even more to unload, well I hate to break it to you, but I do.

I started processing other strange feelings today, also relating to my animal instincts.

In Helping Relationships, we were asked to pair up with the person sitting next to us, and I turned to the beautiful man sitting next to me. It's strange though, I've seen him and spoken to him and never really felt what I felt today in his presence.

We were directed to look into each other's eyes, and I'd say about five minutes passed of doing this. Learning to "just be" with another person is an integral part of this program, and I've done it quite a bit in just the week I've been here. So anyway, we're then directed to take turns making oscillating observations, first about yourself and then about the other person. These observations had to be based in what we saw, not in our perceptions, or in any of our other senses.
"I'm aware of the tightness in my hips. I'm aware of the way you're fidgeting."
"I'm aware of how hot I suddenly am. I am aware of the wrinkles (the happy lines) around your eyes."
"I'm aware of how relaxed I feel inside. I'm aware of your athletic frame."
And then he begins to discuss his awareness. I saw him seeing me for the first time.
"I'm aware of how much better I feel as compared to last week," he says. "And I'm aware of how your eyes light up when you laugh."
"I'm aware of how sweaty my hands are," he says. "And I'm aware of how calm you look."
"I'm aware of how awkward it feels to be making these observations about a woman that is not my wife," he says. "And I'm aware that you may be feeling this too."

At the end of the exercise we had the opportunity to discuss what came up for us during the experiential. I told him he was right in thinking it was awkward for me, but that at the same time, I felt like it was shame I felt I could not observe him just as he was without being inappropriate. He agreed, it was a shame we had missed that opportunity.
In sharing with the group, we admitted we were both attracted to one another, but that society makes it so that we cannot appreciate members of the opposite sex without it MEANING SOMETHING. Our society is so obsessed with finding meaning in EVERYTHING. And because of this, I could not appreciate him and he could not appreciate me.

But then there is something deeper here. My animal instincts were pushing out from the inside. I am scared to admit appreciation, because I don't trust myself to just be with it, but instead, I know how hard it is for me to NOT ACT.

Society makes this so confusing. Relationships and rules make this confusing.

And for now there isn't a solution. I must make a practice out of being my own container, learning to sit with the feelings and hold them, without judgment or problem solving.

Thank you Diaryland, for letting me process all of this. (I'm still going to process long after I post this entry, but what a great open beginning to something really amazing)